nobody said it wud be easy.

life that is.

we get hurt. we hurt others. we laugh alone. we laugh with frends. we get mad. we get affected. we stumble. we get bruised. we love. we are loved back. we fall out of love. we move on.

life does.

im doing shiz-nit... (my lame attempt at being ghetto)... the shizzz.... anyway...

obvious reply to the question "how the hell have you been?!?" <-- the kind of question Jaja will ask, complete with matching wide-eyed endorphin-infused excitedness.

for starters, i just got back from Singapore. call of duty mates. this is how it went tho... i had no inkling i was going to fly out during the whole of last week. and then one day late last week, i got whiff of the impending trip. i was still "uninformed" then... i guess catching me by surprise would be more fulfilling, in some weird way,  to the bosses... anyway so there i was, friday evening... i got the confirmation. i was indeed getting shipped out for a few days to Singapore. the funny thing is i was flying there monday immediately after friday. hahahahahahaha can you say "holy crap your going to singapore... why?" in 5 seconds? you can't i know. so i got there faster than u can say that line. stayed there for 4 days. well if there was some significant thing that came out of it, its the opportunity i got to meet up with a few old close frends of mine again whom i havent seen in like ages. for a good few hours, all i cud hear was our laughter. again. and again. and again. thank you for a new set of memories, albeit fleeting.

my version of singapore sling. and you thot u to have a few of those to get buzzed? uh-uh.

so im back.

in the P.I.

and i'm blogging once more. and for some weird reason, i had a hard time trying to start this posting. i thot i needed my training wheels again. hehehehe. but blogging is like sex. no matter how long you haven't had any, for some reason, you find the groove and you know what to do next hahahahahahahaha (see making an analogy about blogging and having sex would most likely get me in trouble with the GF) hahahahaha....

anyway... i leave you with images of a fat britney.

NOT!!! hahahahaha...

there are things we purposely leave behind. this happens when we are faced with a choice. a choice of being burdened by such unwanted and unncessary things that slow us down and a choice of being free, feeling light, and being ready to take on another mile. another mile of life that is. making a choice can be hard. keeping it is even harder. a choice i think, is bound on commitment. commitment to yourself more than anything else.

when we leave certain things behind, we naturally feel a sense of longing. a sense of loss. and thats because we are being human. we miss things. we dream about the days that went by. for a time, we feel as if a hole has been ripped gaping open inside our soul. and living seems to be the farthest thing that we can actually think of at that moment. eventually though, no matter how deep the wounds, they heal. maybe not permanently. but the pain does ebb at some point. and it becomes bearable til we become numb to it.

we all have our own share of gray days right? i've had my fair share too. gray days were never easy. they never do go away. sometimes, more often than not, we are caught unaware. we feel helpless and we stumble. but getting up eventually isnt just an option. it becomes a must. we stumble. we look back. we try to recapture what had been lost. only to realize, its an exercise in futility. all there is is space. where once there was barely breathing room, now the distance is as wide as the universe. and this becomes evident in a single moment of clarity. that was all that was needed. not a year, not a month, not a day... only a second.

gray days. ive had them. and i guess there are a few more of them this life will entitle me to.

things i need to leave behind. someday soon, maybe ill toss out a few more baggages i wont mind throwing away... but im pretty sure some will hurt like hell.



edit//
been listening to "Boston" by Augustana a lot. if only change was that simple.

i was finishing up my breakfast this morning at a local fast food resto, whiling away time because i had a client call. a family of 5 walked in and sat on the table right in front of me. they were an elderly couple, a lady almost my age i think and two tykes. one being young enough that he needed a high chair so he could sit up properly. i assumed the elderly couple were the grandparents of the kids and the lady being their daughter. they were waiting for their orders when the lady stood up to go to the loo. the kids and the grandparents were left waiting for their orders. as soon as their orders arrived, the elderly man started taking his breakfast heartily while the elderly woman eagerly assisted to the little kid on the high chair. the grandmother then turned to the other bigger kid, me assuming thats her grandchild and motioned him to get some straws for their drinks. she gave her directions and pointed her to the condiments section of the resto where the straws and other what-haves are placed. the boy barely needed a minute... he was away and he seemed to  be savoring the task asked of her by his grandmom. as he was getting straws, his mom came out of the loo and headed for their table. just as he was coming back from taking the straws which his grandmom asked him to get for them, his mom was likewise settling down on the table.

i heard the little boy say in the vernacular, "Mom... look i got these straws for us." which the mom cheerily acknowledged. I was looking at the little boy and i could see the happiness he must have felt accomplishing the favor his grandmom asked of him. it was a happiness so innocent that you could actually see it in his eyes. it was unpretentious, it was so uncomplicated, it was so real. it was a kind of happiness i think only a kid would understand.

the fringe benefits of being a child. makes you wonder why we all wanted to grow up so fast when we were all 7 years old in the first place.

05.25.07
6:13 PM

my ri...

i have been meaning to write u a love letter... but for some stupid reason, i lose the words i try to say and scribble ramblings and incoherent adjectives and verbs and nouns that seem to lack meaning instead. i should feel frustrated right? but illogically, i dont. ive come to the conclusion that maybe, what we have is really something which i cannot attach an adjective to... maybe its something that i cant describe. then again u know how stubborn i get sometimes... maybe hard headed. so im giving this love letter thing one more shot. maybe just maybe, i will be able to think of the right words and place them in sentences at the right moment.

i used to think that i had already given love one last chance before u came into my life. i was ready to give up, both hands raised, and finally throw in the towel and accept defeat... but as one song goes, "the best part of breaking up is finding someone else you cant get enough of" ("Why Can't I" by Liz Phair). and i did. and i didnt even have to look. for some weird twist of fate, i met you. and from that time on, we never looked back.

there were days before i met you when i always thot id never have my last call of the day anymore. id never have that someone who would be willing to hear me over the phone talking about how my day went, crappy or otherwise. and then u came. and u were willing to pick up your phone no matter how tired u were, just to hear me talk, nonsense and all. and i loved you more for that.

remember that night? april 3? the moment we got in my car, the song "God Bless The Broken Road" by the Rascall Flatts started playing... maybe ive been watching too many hollywood romance chick flicks in my sparetime, or maybe im just plain hopelessly romantic... but the thing is it speaks about where i was before  i found ur arms around me...

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

you and me.

there was a point in our lives when we both went thru really huge storms. they were pretty painful blows, the things we endured in the past individually of course. for some reason, we probly shared the same pain at the same time... the only thing is, we never knew each other existed. because we both thot, there cudnt be anything beyond what we were both going thru alone. it was just you. it was just me. there wasnt an us yet. but time makes us mellow. makes us more accepting. makes us more mature. makes us learn. and maybe at the start, looking beyond what had just happend was really really hard. and for a time, all we thot to ourselves was, how can we possibly find another someone like that someone that we had lost?

you and me.

and then we found each other. we were at the right place. at the right time. at the right moment. there were times, i doubted fate. ive gone thru a hundred cosmic jokes in my life that i was skeptical at the very least the first time we met. but skeptics are meant to become believers. and this time, fate pulled a fast one on me... on the both of us.

you and me.

i want you to be the last woman in my life.

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

always,
jem

crappy labor day timing. like monday had to be sandwiched in between Sunday and May 01. woohoo. bummer. and the government brainiac who thinks about when to declare long weekends on account of workdays being meshed up between holidays and non-working days decided to do a rain check...

anyway....

my ria is away on a pleasure trip. shes on vaca in boracay and obviously, i am not with her. not because i wanted to not be with her. i mean, i cudnt possibly pass up a chance to be with the girl i love in an island like  boracay. the problem is the trip was planned way ahead before we were even together. so naturally, i wasnt in the equation yet. well anyway, we'll find time to be on that out of town trip that the both of us want. like 90% before this summer is over, we'll get r done. the trip i mean.

i have a new fone. not really. well, its more of the company issuing me a new one. which is cool because now, i have a dependable one considering the fact that my old personal mobile is about 3 steps away from falling off the cliff on me. anyway, the provider is Sun so good for me on so many levels because the gf also uses the same mobile fone provider. which means i get unlimited calls and sms if i do give her a call or i talk to her over text. cool. except during rush hours... when the line gets congested. i almost threw the fone out of the car last week because i desperately needed to speak to her and i cudnt get a call thru. but alls good. i think im learning to live with it.

what else.... oh the bestfriend, Markydawg just celebrated another birfday the other day. another tree ring to his already immeasurable collection hahahahaha... happy birthday dude. stay happy!

"i didnt need to look. the thing is, fate has a way of making stuff work out. sooner or later. and i learned about it more than a month ago.

i can't think of anything extremely witty or anything that would border on being overly cotton-candy-sweet to describe what we have right now. maybe its because adjectives wont suffice. or maybe im just tongue-tied. or maybe my brain just cant explain how im supposed to feel right now.

ppol say im pretty ok when i write. and i seriously want to write one of the best, if not the best testimonial anyone can give you. but thinking about giving u the best just made me wonder if indeed, the best is what u really deserve...

maybe im over thinking this too much, like u always say... i turn way too serious, sometimes. but heres the thing. i dont think you deserve the best. i think u deserve what is right. i think u deserve someone that is right for u.

i will not claim to be perfect. im flawed. like all the other guys God created in this world. i wil not claim to be an aberration or an exception to the rule. i will never be the best for you... but you can count on my word when i say i will try my darnest best to be the right guy for you." - jem

toxic.

pretty much sums up my life right now. well most of it is because of work of course. the seeing-someone part is doing ok i think. i dont want to mess it up. i think she's a keeper. i need to lose weight too. like i need to start doing it this very moment. havent been getting much sleep either. in part because ive been driving my sister to work like early in the morning. like seriously real early... think 5 AM. and i get to bed like 12 MN. fun of course.

i want to share stuff thats been happening to me of course. the thing is, i think im better at posting when im heartbroken or in the middle of some emotional crisis. seriously. i guess writing becomes more truthful and bare when ur at ur most vulnerable. you dont sugar coat stuff. u just let it all out. on the other hand, when things are going fine, u tend to keep it to yourself. i dunno. im rambling.

the start of summer has been short of hellish. as in literally. Try going out at like 7 AM and it feels like mid day. im not even kidding. its friggin global warming. pop in that Al Gore docu video and lets all watch and wait how the earth turns into one huge oven. nice and toasty. bring out the marshmallows and lets start making smores.

happy earth month to all!

i'm getting married..............................................

i'm kidding.

there i've updated jaja. im bored. i was trying to post something yesterday but for some retarded reason, i cudnt get blog drive to accept the posting. anyway, i know im up for a major update. will do that over the weekend.

and im basically seeing someone already. seriously.

5 crazy stuff i can think off... actually codi i had a lot of problems actually recalling the craziest things about me or the craziest stuff ive done... be as it may, this is the best i can come up with... enjoy!

1. i cut off my classmate's hair with a pair of scissors when i was in elementary. grade 3 i think. we were sitting in these desks (that kind where 2 ppol cud fit? remember that?) and her seat was right in front of me and i was royally annoyed by her. so i snipped off a few... ok maybe a bunch of her hair off.

2. i absolutely dont know how to ride a bike. never make me ride one. but i drive like mad with my car.

3. my first GF was 11 years older than me. she was my geometry teacher in High School. i was 15.

4. i was a studio contestant of some lame quiz thing in "Eat  Bulaga" when i was 9. our school had an "educational field trip" and it was one of the place we went to. i won 50 pesos. someone else beat me. he won 100.

5. i once did the "deed" with some random frend... in my cousin's living room... while ppol slept in the room beside the living room.