i snoop.

i poke my nose into stuff i shudnt be involving myself with. id like to believe i would have become a good private investigator, sans my size of course id be pretty good at going incognito, if i had chosen to be one. i would have charged ppol who wanted me to spy on their cheating husbands or wives exorbitant fees. hahaha...

cheats. hate them.

my boss told me that for IT ppol, if you are assigned on shore to a project to another country which is not located in the same continent with the country you came from (e.g. Philippines is in Asia and the US is in North America), it is technically not cheating. well... that comes with a disclaimer. the party that is in North America is NOT cheating if he/she hooks up with anyone. but the other person left behind (in this case the Philippines), if he/she hooks up with anyone, then THAT is cheating. twisted twisted funny logic. IT rocks!!!

moving on opposite directions.

i'm getting married next year. and being the snoop that I am, I am sincerely and without a tinge of bitterness (ebeneezer-smirk on my face), happy to know that the ex has also taken the moving on and going places approach to life likewise. for what its worth, knowing that we are both in extremely better places makes it all worthwhile. there right there validates the arguement that life indeed has a way of working stuff out.

cheers to the journey ahead.

work has been toxic at the same time fantastic. enjoying it immensely at the moment (cut to: vision of St. Paul and New Orleans in autumn)... im like a donkey with a carrot being dangled in front of me like i said one time to my boss. seriously though, I am hopeful all the hard work will pay off at some point... and again im hoping this gig gets me places ive never been to yet. so cheers... to the long and winding road that John, Paul, Ringgo and George talked about.

wondering...

missing....

worried...

a bit indifferent...

wanting to talk...

no one to talk to...

just talk...

and talk some more...

can't be found...

left without a trace...

no goodbye...

space...

empty, limitless space...

not one bit of idea...

it was all so sudden...

without any warning...

no nothing...

no you...

7:31 AM

Hi...

I waited for you yesterday but you weren't there. i thot a meteor had hit you and basically annihilated everything standing within a 5-mile radius of your house. so i sent you a letter telling you to have some decency by at least telling me  you weren't going to make it due to some unforseen cataclysmic event that would put the dinosaur extinction thing to shame...

lo and behold... you are indeed, alive. if i didn't know who you were, i would have quickly surmised you had the cockroach gene in you. don't you just hate them? especially the ones that fly? i digresss. seriously, i got your messages. one read "shit happens sorry..." and the next message right after that went "your lucky im still alive...".

i lost it after that.

since when has it been my responsibility to keep you alive? for whatever reason there is, whatever reason you almost died, i dont give a shit. and never will i owe u cos u kept yourself alive. U OWE IT TO URSELF. u live ur life the way you want it. and if u did die cos u lived it like the way u wanted it, then die happy.

i hope someday, by the grace of time and maturity, you will learn to owe up to what you have to be responsible for. you cannot live your life by passing the buck on to somebody else just cos its convenient and it takes away your guilt. for now, maybe thats how you want to live your life. i just hope that it wont be too late when u begin to realize how to own up to your actions.

i would love to stick around. but i cant bring myself to stick around and watch u crash and burn. it'll crush me to see u go.

i hope you can get a grip of everything someday soon.

Me

a posting i made on my Ria's friendster account when we hit 10 months. we celebrated our first year of being together last April 03. just thot i'd share the posting i made for her.

im unintelligible sometimes. i get hard to understand.
im sarcastic often. i make snide remarks at the smallest things that irritate me.
sometimes, i get complacent. i come across as someone who doesn't give a shit anymore. Like I start to not care at all.
most often than not, I make a big deal about little things that you say or do. I neglect saying sorry if I make u mad.
i've never put enough effort to correcting my flaws. they make me who i am. they define me. i fail to explain why whenever you ask me questions, ur like solving this great puzzle that is me.

i hate driving. so u end up taking the wheel from me a lot of times.
u hate it when ppol smoke in your car. u make me an exception.

u've always told me u want me to be the man u grow old with.
i never told u i want to be that man. and now u know...

i want to be that man you spend the rest of your life with.

i can't imagine a life without you.

i love you.

it's nice to retrace the footsteps that we've made once in a while. it gives us a sense of journey, a sense of movement, a sense of maturity. footprints are made to be slowly erased by time. at the moment they are created, they get imprinted in our souls. take for example if life dealt you a lousy hand at love. at the moment the hurt is felt, you wallow in it. you embrace the pain and the sadness. but as days move past, and you unknowingly move further and further away, the sadness ebbs. you grow a lil number each ticking moment. before you know it, what was once excruciatingly painful before has gone.

growth.

we grow. as farther the set of prints we made in the past seem when we try looking back at them, it only means we've moved on and we have survived.

we mature.

id like to think of it that way. it validates the point of our existence. it validates the fact that we learn to live with the pain and we learn from it more importantly. when i felt my whole world was about to fall apart, i never knew there was a lesson to be learned in that experience. only when things have settled and your mind has cleared will you be able to finally realize that there really is something to learn. i learned to let go.  and in the process of letting go, i also found a way to love again.

footsteps... and beyond.

i intend to do this. to keep walking. to imprint as much of myself as i can. and i intend to look back and learn all the things i can from all the good things and even the bad things ive gone thru and i will go thru.

taking this life one step at a time.